No News is Bad News

So.... my last post was six months ago and we obviously still are not pregnant. We have a fertility specialist and have started super-expensive IUI treatments. The first round didn't go so well. We will talk to the doctor this week about what our (really, really bad) test results mean. We will weigh our options and decide whether or not to continue with this process. What is breaking my heart is the idea that even if we decide not to proceed with the rest of our treatments, our path to a family still won't be certain, easy, or even attainable. For the first time in my whole life, I am realizing there is a significant possibility I won't ever be a mom. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I became a nanny two years ago to practice being a mom. I don't have a back-up plan.

My blog is still a private outlet for only me so it doesn't do me any good to ask for prayers. My heart is broken. My beautiful and perfect husband will be thirty in less than a month and I can not give him the one thing I know he wants more than anything.

I've always known that I lucked out in terms of who I married. I know this comes off as super self-indulgent and like I'm having a pity party for myself, but it's the way I feel: My life has never been easy. I have battled all sorts of demons. The particularly difficult thing about that is that I have had every opportunity anyone could possibly pray for afforded to me. I grew up in a beautiful house with a beautiful family that loved me and each other the right way. It is through my own decisions and inescapable neurosis that my life has been hard. So maybe, after all I've done, and when I marry this beautiful and perfect man who I don't deserve- maybe that's all that I get. It's certainly more than I deserve, and I think I could and can make my peace with that part of it. What I can't accept is the idea that he might not ever get to be a father. He'd be epic. It's unbearable to think that he might not get the chance. I can't help but think he'd maybe get the chance with someone else.

I'm seeing a therapist and I think we'll probably see one together in the near future. I think it will take years to come to terms with this. I pray that we can, together. I pray that God had a plan for us, and I pray that it includes babies from somewhere: I know now, in the most honest and raw part of me, that it doesn't matter where they come from. I pray for self-acceptance of my strengths and my shortcomings. I ask to be strong for my husband, who is the best part of my life.